"who is this???"

the last several days have all kind of run together for me.
and i was kind of dropped back to reality today.
i have so much shit on my calendar that i need to take care of,
but keep putting off.
i feel kind of crappy.

i've spent entirely too much time drinking the last 4 or 5 days.
i am ashamed of myself.
because i am even drinking right now.
i think i drink mostly because i am stressed out about working.
but also so i won't feel so uncool when i go out.
drinking is like a nice little cushion sometimes.
because i feel bad about it now.
i've neglected a lot of stuff and i am probably also given a bad representation of who i am.
because no one here has known me much longer than a month.
and some... only a few days.
i am hoping that most people can see past that and see who i am.

but i'm not going to lie, the last several days have been fun.
whether i have been laying on the couch surfing the internet or at a karaoke bar i did not really want to be at.
i have great friends no matter how much drama is attached.
i am thankful for them.
because i really did not see myself meeting anyone here until several months down the road.

i VERY rarely mention such things in my blogs (if ever?),
but my heart is kind of fluttering for someone.
he's pretty awesome and i really do like him.
i just hope i don't regret posting this paragraph.

i have finally started catching myself missing home.
home being where my family and old friends are.
even though i hated it, i still miss it.
anyone that has moved a long distance from what they are used to can appreciate that.

my mom never replied back to the 2nd email i sent her.
that was a week ago.
i was hoping we could work towards rebuilding our relationship.
but it looks like maybe not?
i am considering sending another email just to see.
why don't i call her?
because we are not on those terms.
i would probably end up either very angry or crying.
i text messaged my sister for the first time in a couple of weeks today...
and she didn't even realize it was me.
she deleted my number from her phone.
that kind of made me feel HORRIBLE.
all i wanted to do was make sure that she was okay...
and she was like, "who is this???" :(

RGIS job is not proving itself to be much fun.
working only 1 to 3 times a week does not bring in much income.
i am starting to not mind the actual job so much,
but the work schedule is not very likable.
i will probably continue to work there until i find a job that conflicts with the RGIS schedule.

i almost still expect it to snow here.