Thursday, March 13, 2008

another year closer to death

if the apartment at westminster ends up coming through for me as hoped,
i will be saving such a large amount of month that i could, in theory, pay for my rent for 7 months just in what i save from not having to stay at a hotel, having a smaller deposit on apartment, only having to pay one utility, and rent being cheaper than expected. also this would include the money from my very last paycheck and pto pay. this being said, i am not feeling as anxious about the albertsons job. i won't worry myself to death about it.

as i have begun to gather up my belongs that i would like to take with me,
i am realizing that i have far too much.
what originally looked like a very small amount,
has grown massive.
i am worried if i weigh my car down too much,
i won't make it to spokane at all!
so the first thing i need to go back through are my books.
i have 2 gift wrap tubs full of books.
i need to get that down to 1 1/2 and fill the rest of the tote with my other small belongings.
the rest of my shit will be packed in shopping bags.
although i am not sure how that will work out for my imac.
maybe if i buy some bubble wrap.

this is the couch of my dreams.
i found it on spokane's craigslist.
i emailed them and it has not been taken yet.
i offered him $100 more to hold it for me until mid-april.
still awaiting a response.


i wish we had never adopted the custom to celebrate birthdays.
why is it such a great thing to tell someone "happy birthday!"?
why can't we just recognize that we are another year closer to death instead?
is that not "happy"?
when people say "happy birthday" to me,
i am generally annoyed.
but when friends or family members don't say it... (forget),
it makes you pissed off at them.
and you shouldn't be angry with them because birthdays are fucking stupid anyway.
i made this the worst birthday ever for myself...
i thought i had lowered my expectations enough,
but i suppose i haven't.
i guess i better get used to disappointment...
after all, i will be completely alone in 16 days.
i just find it funny how people can offer you money more readily than a little bit of their time.
"here's a gift card. bye!" wtf?

i finally sent my mom an email.
we have not spoken since christmas.
i had been contemplating whether to try to mend our relationship before i leave or not.
she sent me a text message for my birthday.
i thought about it all day,
and finally decided to send her this message:

please don't text message me anymore.
my phone number has changed, and i will be getting rid of my old phone soon.
your "happy birthday" message doesn't mean shit to me.
all i wanted from you was your love and attention.
instead, i was called a selfish bitch.
you lost your chance to have anything to do with me anymore.
i will be gone in a few days.
do not expect any communication from me.
i just hope dad's money will finally make you happy with yourself.

sure, it was a very harsh email.
i probably should not have sent it.
i should have just let things be and not even sunk to her level.
but sometimes it just hurts so bad.
and when you are a "selfish bitch" and you hurt,
you want other people to hurt also.
so, as you can see,
i have opted to not mend the relationship after all.

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