Saturday, August 29, 2009

i look forward to seeing my friends

lately, it feels like i don't have much time to sit down and do anything.
but i know that is SO not the case. i'm just tired a lot.

in less than 1 week i will be on vacation and traveling to oklahoma to see family and friends for a few days.
it used to be so far off, but now that it's almost time, i'm kind of nervous and stressed about making sure everything we need is packed and everything is taken care of before we head out.
but when we get there, it'll be nice.
i also plan on covering up a tattoo while we are there.
hopefully the work will be within my budget though.

i look forward to enjoying my mom's cooking again.
i look forward to seeing my friends. i really miss them.
i look forward to going back to my old job and seeing if anyone i know still works there.
i look forward to time off from work.
i look forward to being able to just have fun.
i look forward to being able to have a few drinks.

steve got his driver's license and bought his mom's old car recently a month or so ago.
i'm very proud of him, but i would be more proud of him if he had actually done it for himself and not because of me.

work continues to get more and more difficult and aggravating.
there are some days that i will continually think of ways that i could quit my job and still be able to live.
i have to do the job of 3 people on some days and i feel like quitting right then and there.
i wish i worked a job where i did not have to rely on other people so much.
because other people constantly call-out or are just unreliable.
i am hoping by this time next year, i will be in school and either working there only part-time or not at all.
i'm tired of working my ass off for retail companies so that they can make the big bucks while i get shit on.

i decided at the end of may that i wanted to try to lose some weight again.
i pressured steve into getting a gym membership with me.
he was pressured into buying a bunch of training sessions that neither of us needed.
and now, i go all of the time and he doesn't.
it was a poor decision, but hopefully we learned from it.
i imagine once the personal training sessions are paid off, he'll probably cancel his membership.
i managed to lose close to 55 pounds with very little personal trainer help since we signed up at the gym.
i have become obsessed with working out and diet that i mentally and physically don't have time for much of anything else.
i almost wish that i could just stop and go back to the way that i was before.
living like this is not a whole lot of fun most days.
maybe when i reach my goal weight and start to slow down on losing weight/maintain, i will feel like i have more time in the day to do other stuff.
15 pounds to go before that happens though.

i don't know if it's just my luck, that time of the year or if i look more physically appealing to perverts now, but i have had a few encounters lately with some.
just when i thought that i was safe... now i feel like i need a weapon.
when i was heavier, i did not have to worry about this. :(

another downside to losing a lot of weight is that none of my clothes fit me anymore.
i tried on my old brown leather coat that i've had since i was 16 or 17 years old.
it always fit tightly and i never buttoned the last button on it.
but even when i thought that i was slimmer, it never fit the way that it should.
i tried it on last night.
i knew that it was gonna be a little big.
but i was in utter shock at how it just hung on me.
i was drowning in old brown leather.
i kind of felt like crying because i wanted to be able to have this coat fit me properly, not be the drastic opposite.
and from there, i experienced the same with my dresses that i had only gotten to wear a couple of times.
these are like, my favorite clothes... and i never got to wear them much at all.
and now, i can't.
it probably sounds petty to everyone, but it really is hurting me.
my clothes mean so much to me. and i'm not sure why... but they do.
when i moved from oklahoma to washington, 75% of the belongings i brought with me were my clothes.
and i'll be damned if only 15% of those clothes fit now.
i want to keep my weight at maintenance level throughout the winter.
no more losing weight if it can be helped.
i want time to enjoy my new coats and clothes before i can't fit them anymore either. being able to wear my clothing is the ONLY thing holding me back from just going for the grand prize of 140 pounds.

No comments: